impressions

my awakening consciousness

Pondering

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:55 pm on Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The world feels so empty, it’s missing something that used to be there a long time ago….when did it go away? Is it because people became so disconnected? Some days, it feels like there isn’t any humanity, only robots working, buying and ignoring all but their devices. There are only transactions. It’s so cold. Does anyone else feel this? Does anyone else feel we’re reaching some kind of ending, but hopefully a beginning too?

Just a Day

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 5:31 pm on Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Recently I turned fifty five years old. I’m completely starting over in an unfamiliar world after having been kind of a (self-imposed) hermit for the last 25 years or so. But then my husband became very ill and died in just a few months.

It’s terrifying most of the time, but occasionally liberating.

Am trying to write every day because it’s my only potential skill, and I love doing it, especially when I’m in the “zone” – ideas and words flowing wonderfully, effortlessly…..but the zone eludes me these days.

Feel lonely and yet afraid to connect but know it’s a human need, an absolute requirement to be connected with other humans, with life.

I have a great idea for a novel but feel guilty working on it because I have to find a way for my writing to become a more immediate stream of income. I want to stop being a burden on others and feeling so useless and worthless in the world.

Riveting Stuff

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 3:17 pm on Thursday, November 5, 2015

I trained myself to be a “morning person” for a while because that’s more in sync with the working, functioning world. Or, “the land of the living” as Mark used to refer to it early on in my sobriety, welcoming me into it. So it’s morning for me now and it takes me forever to get going – if I get going at all – and usually I put this daily writing off till much later in the day. And as you can see, I don’t even do it every day as I so solemnly promised myself for the millionth time. Maybe it’s my mode of lackadaisical “discipline” or the fact that you cannot plan your life in neat little chunks of time because life defies such robotic weirdness….I have a feeling it’s some of both. Rigid schedules – and frankly, the super-rigidy people who need them – make me feel suffocated, caged, and just pissed off in general.

You know what? Maybe I’ll just write as often possible even when I’ve seriously got nothin’, aim for every day but if it doesn’t turn out exactly that way, so be it, and it doesn’t necessarily me so evil and wicked as to be beyond redemption!

Later that day…………

Here’s the redo on today’s daily writing for my “impressions” blog – started it this morning on my desktop but haven’t taught myself how to do the shared folder thing….but hey, I DID set up the network! I think. No I did because it’s on the pop-up list. And I know the steps necessary to set up the server and shared folder, etc. so I can stop emailing myself everything as an attachment. But am so spacy and scattered lately. For exmple, right now I’m pretty much writing how I’m thinking….here’s another weird thing  – am using this device only because it’s Wednesday which means the guys who do the mowing and other landscaping work (endless #$!&^! leaf blowers)  are right outside and my desktop is right  next to the big window and I love and need sunlight so refuse to close the blinds and I know they’re out there and so can’t concentrate because I feel “watched” or something, and strangely anxious. But put headphones on to drown out the noise however now am anxious when I can’t hear what’s going on around me…….as if sombody’s going to sneak up and burst into my apartment or something…how messed up is that?! OK well I’m done trying to analyze this shit all the time and just try to focus on writing.
Been attempting to write up one of the wonderful and imaginative prompts on reddit….for like four days! In spare time which I somehow don’t have despite being jobless. It took forever to even select two kinda easy prompts. I have one paragraph of one of them done, meanwhile there’s been like a thousand new prompts added and I feel old, senile, stupid as hell. I can’t give up; writing is my passion and always has been. It’s just not a steady source of income and it takes a certain courage (or trust fund) to live that way. I’ve been forced to live that way for some years now and am still just not built for it, despite the resulting growth and learning about survival in this jungle, ways to find more inner peace and the fact that goodness exists in more abundance than I’d felt for eons.

 

 

Daily Chore Spun into Orbit

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:33 pm on Thursday, October 29, 2015

Here we go with today’s required writing, since this is now my chosen path……I don’t usually do this because the blank screen automatically gives me writer’s block.
Don’t feel as happy and well as yesterday but am getting there…..just took my Xanax. Yes, I’m aware of all ten million things wrong with that sentence!

Addiction is bad but so is constant, crippling anxiety. Now I can let the thoughts flow…..hell, I can even have thoughts!

I’ve been through too much in the past few years and now just found out I have a potentially deadly and hard to treat disease. The fact is, it’s self-inflicted; hepatitis C but a weird, uncommon strain that WILL turn your liver first to fat, then rubber (cirrhosis) then to cancer. They don’t really know how to treat it and don’t have great results from what’s been tried so far.

Like I said to my good friend Bob, I guess I’d subconsciously presumed sobriety and years of taking such respectful care of the gift of good health God had bestowed upon me (and I’d in return so ungratefully abused) would somehow both redeem and make me “bulletproof.” I only understood the foolishness of this expectation after saying it aloud and seeing the written words.

I felt really sad about it for awhile and discussed it with my family members, in detail, at length, vociferously and loquaciously. Wretchedly and dramatically. It’s a thing I have; they’re accustomed to it. Am working on that.

Anyway, then because absolutely everything happens for a reason, I came across a blog post by a woman with the exact same thing, talking about not making it your whole life and actively being grateful for all the blessings you do have in your life and it just so clicked; I’ve got many of them; my family members, who listen, love, are always there in times of trouble as well as times of happiness, understanding and helping. Not judging in a way that makes me aware of the mental and spiritual energy given towards understanding someone they love. We grew up within that time/place microcosm where mental illness was much more stigmatized, and ridiculed than nowadays , and mostly spoken of in mortified whispers, as if discussing venereal disease or hemorrhoids. And even more so in our particular family, I think.

I want to re-direct and make my life about so much more than a virus I contracted decades ago, in a time of turmoil and self-destruction, as a result of ignoring what I knew, because I didn’t care.

I’m dipping my toes into a place of acceptance now, liking the temperature….afraid and knowing this is right at the same time. To just let go of feeling wronged. We all do things we regret and we all get sick and die, one way or another. I was lucky enough not only to survive that era against all odds, but to have had an angel by the name of Mark Joseph placed in my path with so much love……he brought me out of darkness and into light. I knew what real laughter and real love was like for the first time at the age of thirty, because of Mark. I no longer needed or wanted the anesthesia and just wanted to live, and grow old with Mark. The purity and depth of his tremendous heart and soul saved me, then showered me with gifts each and every day…..my very worst day sober was indescribably better than my best day drinking and using.

He taught me many things – mostly by example – among them that you can be angry with, argue, scream, fight, and even briefly despise the one you love most in the world, and the love has not gone away. It can still be there, stronger than ever. This was maybe the most alien and mind-blowing realization of my life.

I think he’ll always be interwoven in my writings, either the actual content or the driving influence, because everything good about my life is now and always will be somehow attributable to him.

And the thought of his quietly heroic life, having ended in 2013 at the age of 57, being unnoticed as if not mattering would kill my soul. Maybe it’s my purpose in life to document it, in cyberspace, where it’ll be until the end of all of our time. It’s not the story of a saint, as I’m leaning toward describing him now in grief – he was a flawed human being like everyone else.

I’ve pretty much always felt I had no purpose, except for the 23 years spent with Mark. I know God loves me….I’d forgotten it for awhile…

Maybe this is His gentle way of reminding me of the fleeting time on earth, that my time might not be as long as I delude myself into believing, and that Mark Joseph should be written into the lineage, a beautiful and important thread in the tapestry of humanity, as is every single other soul on this earth, including the mentally ill, the homeless, the imprisoned and the addicted. Every life matters.

Mark Joseph Kursay was here for fifty seven years ….all the simple kindness he put out into the world will travel across great distances of time and space, felt by people far away in the future.  He humbly left an imprint of grace. He mattered.

 

First Good Day; Thank You, Scientists.

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 1:03 pm on Wednesday, October 28, 2015

For what seems like the first time in years, I woke up this morning feeling like life IS worth living. It’s been such a frustratingly slow (and sometimes horrific) process trying to find the right combination of meds to regulate my bipolar disorder. I could talk forever about me, myself and the epic medication saga, but don’t want this blog to morph into a gigantic snooze-fest so….suffice it to say the twitching, face-bloating, marathon sleeping, sleepless heart-slamming jumpiness, teeth-grinding, drooling, eating tons of the weirdest junkiest food ever, torture of the “trial-and-error” phase is over, baby! Finally hit upon the right mix and God I love Prozac and Xanax…………..they have helped me feel and behave “normal” (whatever the hell that is) without feeling like a drugged out empty shell of a blob. They’ve given me my life back. So I’m done spewing about the evil of Big Pharma because how ungrateful is that? For the longest time I suffered unnecessarily while simultaneously pontificating about the evils of chemicals in your body that aren’t supposed to be there, blah, blah, blah…..I’m done focusing only on the negative. Sometimes brain chemicals just have to be “artificially” re-balanced for you to have even the ability to perceive the positive. Not to say that giant powerful entities can’t become incredibly corrupt, but to the smart, devoted scientists who use their skills for sake of relieving the suffering of others…..thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

Starting Over, From Scratch

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 7:06 pm on Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My life has changed so drastically, in such a short period of time, I often feel like I’ve assumed a new identity; it’s a uniquely weird feeling. I just wanted to put it out there in the world that today I started a portfolio. Have to build that from scratch too. Nothing to put in, except possibly one of the short stories I wrote twenty plus years ago, in a vastly different life, in a galaxy far, far away….should I? Someone out there? Come to my blog, Impressions. We can gab. Perhaps yak a little.

Blah

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 2:29 pm on Saturday, February 7, 2015

Very down and exhausted today. It’s like life is totally colorless and flat….nothingness. Scared of food so took my diet pills…not helping. Have to work up energy to walk the dog. It’s all I can muster. I love her, she’s a good girl and a rescue poodle I’m fostering. She’s rescuing me too. All my food issues have come back lately and I had them so defeated for the last 3-4 years….now I’m back to really scared – terrified – of being fat. Down to 111 lb which I know is skeletal but still every time I eat, feel like I’m becoming obese….and I KNOW this is crazy! That’s it for today. I wish someone would read this and rescue me. God, that is so childish…

Angel on Four Feet

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 1:30 pm on Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Hey there…..in case anyone read yesterday’s post without reading from 2008, Tiger and Yoda were feline family members. Tiger is aka Butterscotch. He looked exactly like a very light colored little tiger except the most gorgeous light green eyes ever. Big little boy with paws the size of saucers. Claws never once came out, even if he felt threatened.

Can You Feel the Echoes?

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:14 pm on Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Been through so many eras these past seven years….soon after my last post here, my husband lost his job of twenty years and we had a rough almost two years living on one unemployment check, literally going hungry at times, but we had each other and it kept us spiritually sustained. That year our little Yoda died and we were so sad……Tiger grieved for him too, until the next year when he also died and it was brutal. It’s still agonizing to think of how terribly he died in such sweet humility – I believe he and my husband were the closest thing to angels on this earth…….and I need to tell about them both because they were here and they mattered, and the thought of the world being unaware of this is too painful to bear. In 2013, my amazing husband died of pancreatic cancer. I can’t talk about this yet, except to say that he endured with more dignity and bravery and selflessness than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ll always and forever be in awe of him.

I love you, Mark Joseph. I love you my sweet little big boy Tiger.

Your courage, your goodness, echoes across the universe.

Seven years later

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:10 pm on Sunday, January 25, 2015

Hello to any fellow human who may come upon this and continue reading! I was just playing around on the internet and found my blog, started reading (and smiling and wiping a tear or two) and now can’t resist adding more chapters to this wild ride I call my life. I just love the thought of connecting with other people this way, in addition to the wondrous freedom it is to be able to finally open up and reveal the true me in the clear light of day. To share my confusions and stumbling and missteps and gigantic boners as well as triumphs and insights and manic ramblings…….to share this wild ride we’re all on, called being human.

So very much has changed since 2008. I will be writing about this no matter what – it was medicine for me then and will be again.

 

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