http://waterlily.psychcentral.net my awakening consciousness Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:57:06 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en LIE OR DIE; this was pretty much my perception of the way life had to be all throughout my childhood as one with undiagnosed asperger's syndrome. from at least as early as age five, if i recall correctly. the reason this came to be my mantra was that i'd been ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/07/24/my-childhood-survival-mantra-do-not-ever-be-yourself/ i wasn't even actively seeking the answer when i found it. i'd seen it before, even thought about it. in an act that only reinforces the validity of it, i dismissed it. pointedly thought about something else. that's what i do. i did this a few times over these ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/06/03/recognitive-revelation/ is this even a word? if not, it should be. it perfectly sums up my usual mood, lo these many months. far back in the most remote reaches of my mind Curiosity loiters, too: just how long can a person be so pissed off? i say 'loiters' because it's an ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/05/14/furiosity/ some days my psychological paralysis is so extreme that i'm afraid to pick up the phone or leave the apartment. i have no idea what exactly i fear. as far back as i can remember, i've been afraid of people. in varying degrees. it's this vague, visceral feeling; people seem ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/05/09/outpourings/ everything i write seems so boring lately, maybe because it's a personal journal and my world has become so isolated and insulated..... it definitely doesn't make good reading even if i try to open up and write frankly about my inner, most demented emotional life. it's therapeutic for me, sure, ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/05/01/reality-bytes/ i think i've become indifferent to terrifying situations. it's like i lived so many months in a state of constant sustained terror, panic and grinding anxiety that numbness finally set in, and it's still here. i don't worry about stuff i can't control like the serenity prayer says, ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/04/23/this-and-that/ i can't believe it's been five weeks since my last post....only five. five loooooong, eternal weeks. time is so weird the way it stretches and implodes seemingly at once. with all the stuff happening and not happening in my life, i feel absolutely paralyzed. as if it doesn't matter ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/04/09/seems-like-a-lifetime-ago/ long, long tiring day today, full of facing up to a lot of hard things. with hubby sick/in recovery these past few weeks i had a purpose outside myself but also an excuse to avoid my own issues and procrastinate about doing the unpleasant. (and the terrifying!) my day began ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/02/25/message-in-a-cage/ well i finally scraped enough together to get my lexapro online. it seems to be the only thing that works for me. a commercial enterprise halfway around the planet is more reliable in getting me the psychiatric meds i need to stay alive than all our government agencies combined. ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/02/07/just-a-bunch-of-stuff/ i wish it were possible to legally pursue the party responsible for installing my mind gestapo in the first place. i mean forty seven years of back rent has to add up to some real moolah, does it not? not to mention the damages for trashing the place. meanwhile they're ... http://waterlily.psychcentral.net/2008/01/27/evicting-the-mind-police/