my awakening consciousness

Born on January 4, 2016

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:01 pm on Tuesday, January 5, 2016

I feel like Beth is back. I woke up this morning and she was there in my head and heart after what seems like a lifetime. I mean, I went with Missy for our walk and it’s one of those gorgeous sunny days, but cold….a true gift here in Florida, no brutal heat beating down….and thoughts just flowed naturally. The vivid colors and beauty of the trees and grass and flowers struck me as an expression of love,  surrounding me and wrapping me in comfort. I was so lost in thought, we almost bumped into the mama duck and three of her little ones. The sight of the tiny fuzzy ducklings, miniature versions of their mother, waddling in single file behind her or even sweeter still, imitating her exact movements as she grooms and flaps and dries herself, is heart-melting and just so freaking cute!

Drifting along in my head about family, how beautiful everything looked, and this and that, I suddenly realized something extraordinary – I felt at ease with the world and in my own skin. This hasn’t happened – not even close – in years. I’d never begun to even grasp how much of a prison my anxiety had become, a cell with walls closing in over time until this was the mental equivalent of being let out of the closet I’d been living in….for an eternity. I can’t even describe the freedom I’m feeling but I’m crying so hard, tears of joy.

Now, a little later, I’m forcing myself to eat something substantial for breakfast. This is a struggle. Beth is just a little bit gone and I miss her. But if I get some nourishment, some quiet and my medication, soon she’ll be back. She’s still the most present that she’s been in a long time and for this, I’m grateful today.

It’s a unique kind of thing and doesn’t happen very often but today it did, transcendent of ordinary consciousness, and inexplicably outside of time. An unheralded grace: knowledge blooms into my consciousness, a quiet uplifting out of my mind’s tendency to gravitate back into the worn groove of it’s perpetual and virulent loop; sneaky, whispering, shouting, “reminding”me innocently, sarcastically, nonchalantly, gleefully twisting, how thoroughly worthless I am and always will be.

I’m simply made aware of the truth of my humanity; that I am flawed and yet have seeds of goodness too, like every other human being. Not a voice exactly, more of a presence…. yet speaks to the deepest part of my soul with no judgement, only a tremendous love infusing throughout me.

My weaknesses and character flaws and mental illnesses, the things I’ve done as a result of these, things I’m so deeply ashamed of….they mean I’m human. Not evil. Not worthless. I’ve also done good and kind things for others, human and nonhuman. I’ve had love in my heart and compassion for others. It’s viscerally agonizing, I mean nothing infuriates me more (or causes that kind of pain, the kind that makes you literally physically thrash around, fearing you’ll lose your mind with it) for me to see or know of any sentient and helpless creature enduring cruelty and suffering…. I know many, if not most people feel to some degree the same. But I’m not going to trivialize it in myself, thinking, “So what? Everybody feels bad about stuff like that. It doesn’t change what a worthless piece of shit you are!”
That compassion in me is not nothing.
It is something.
Despite the fact I’ve also done lying, cheating, cowardly, despicable things to other people.

I trudge through, trying to know how to live in this world. There are obstacles, internal and external. They seem too overwhelming at times.
I mostly do mundane things, the occasional brilliant thing, plenty of bone-headed, completely dumbass things. I love but have jealousy. I hate but justify it. I have moments of such malignant pettiness, they make my face burn red, even years later. I also nurture, empathize and try to bring back healing joy to abused, damaged creatures. I scream, curse profusely, and briefly wish unspeakable atrocities upon other drivers.
This describes me. What eluded me for too long was that it describes all humans, pretty much.

Guess what? I’m a human instead of an evil wicked monster!
I joke, but it will take awhile to evolve from knowing that in my brain, to just knowing it.