Blessed, But Struggling
I started this post to be titled “This Day Sucks” but I’m tired of my usual reflexive and childish (infantile, really) ranting about how everything and everyone sucks just because things and people don’t do exactly what I want! Trying to grow up here, and about time since I just turned fifty five years old. That’s over half a century. Some of us are slow learners.
Here are all of my blessings – first of all, I woke up. Underneath my own roof. With food in the refrigerator. And my beloved poodle Missy, old and diabetic but ready and raring to go and SO happy to see me! I’m on massive doses of antidepressants and yet every day struggle to force myself to get out of bed and eventually do only because of Missy…..this is slow death. You can’t just lie down and give up. I can walk, I can talk, see, hear, write, drive – well not now because my ancient clunker of a car has a dead battery – and I don’t know if I can afford to buy a new one or if it’s even worth the money since I can’t afford insurance. It’s been cancelled and it’s not legal to drive without it and I do not want to be a person who breaks the law, in addition to being unemployed and living on disability. I feel like I’m taking up space and resources I don’t deserve and always have… didn’t take good enough care of my husband and that’s why he got sick and died. I feel guilty for existing. No purpose. God must think so or I wouldn’t still be here, right? Sometimes I think that all the people who learned the lessons they were supposed to got called back to God but the rest of us have to stay here till we do learn and fulfill….but it’s a curse because this world is like hell for us. I’m so confused, lonely. I have family who loves me but they can’t do everything for me …I have to figure this out!
How did I get so afraid of everything all the time and so easily overwhelmed by what others would consider minor problems? The last thing I ever wanted to be is a sick, crazy, dependent, useless person. I will not commit suicide because I’m NOT giving up.
