my awakening consciousness

Blessed, But Struggling

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 2:53 pm on Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I started this post to be titled “This Day Sucks” but I’m tired of my usual reflexive and childish (infantile, really) ranting about how everything and everyone sucks just because things and people don’t do exactly what I want! Trying to grow up here, and about time since I just turned fifty five years old. That’s over half a century. Some of us are slow learners.

Here are all of my blessings – first of all, I woke up. Underneath my own roof. With food in the refrigerator. And my beloved poodle Missy, old and diabetic but ready and raring to go and SO happy to see me! I’m on massive doses of antidepressants and yet every day struggle to force myself to get out of bed and eventually do only because of Missy…..this is slow death. You can’t just lie down and give up. I can walk, I can talk, see, hear, write, drive – well not now because my ancient clunker of a car has a dead battery – and I don’t know if I can afford to buy a new one or if it’s even worth the money since I can’t afford insurance. It’s been cancelled and it’s not legal to drive without it and I do not want to be a person who breaks the law, in addition to being unemployed and living on disability. I feel like I’m taking up space and resources I don’t deserve and always have… didn’t take good enough care of my husband and that’s why he got sick and died. I feel guilty for existing. No purpose. God must think so or I wouldn’t still be here, right? Sometimes I think that all the people who learned the lessons they were supposed to got called back to God but the rest of us have to stay here till we do learn and fulfill….but it’s a curse because this world is like hell for us. I’m so confused, lonely. I have family who loves me but they can’t do everything for me …I have to figure this out!

How did I get so afraid of everything all the time and so easily overwhelmed by what others would consider minor problems? The last thing I ever wanted to be is a sick, crazy, dependent, useless person. I will not commit suicide because I’m NOT giving up.


Comment by kreditkartenabrechnung sparkasse wann wird abgebucht

10/19/2016 @ 10:46 AM

Turku on kovin kaukana sieltä mistä minä katselen, mutta aina välillä siellä tulee silti käytyä. Tosi hauskoja nuo nimet, koti- ja metsähiiri jää ainakin mieleen =D Rhodes ja Korhonen on molemmat minulle vieraita vaikka ovatkin palkittuja ja tunnettuja. Jään odottamaan todistusketjua, vaikka minua lähinnä kiinnostaa, että kannattaisiko niitä odotan myös edelleen sinun tyler postausta – itse kirjoitin muutama päivä sittn kirjasta PAKO.

Comment by

10/23/2016 @ 7:44 PM

Sorry about being sick. I agree that it's much better to scale back because you want to…scaling back because of injury is beyond frustrating!!I hope you have a great winter, and maybe you can relax a little? days off here and there? 🙂

Comment by dkb privatkredit test

10/31/2016 @ 7:34 AM

ago23 Chiedere, sopratutto se fatto in modo educato è sempre lecito almeno, così mi è stato insegnato. Purtroppo il problema è che non c’è peggior sordo di chi è sordo veramente e nell’elenco dei destinatari di questo comunicato, di “sordi” a queste tematiche, ne ritrovo tanti Speriamo a furia di appelli gli si sturino le orecchie…

Comment by http://www./

11/25/2016 @ 6:10 PM

Numai in rro,probleme existentiale,nu mai dau protv pi cablu.De aia se duce pe pwla tara asta,unii are prea mult timp liber si somnul lenii naste rromani.

Comment by http://www./

02/13/2017 @ 2:18 PM

Hi! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this website? I’m getting sick and tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

Comment by http://www./

02/28/2017 @ 6:30 PM

Oi DR: Leonardo sou de belo Horizonte tenho 34anos (não fumo não bebo) e tambem tenho essas extrasistoles que me deixa mais nervoso o ultimo holter 24hrs que fiz apareceu 8315 extrasistoles ventriculares ou seja meu coração só fica batendo agora com o ritmo alterado eu devo procurar outro cardiologista ou uma funeraria isso ta me preoculpando muito, DR: esse tanto de extrasistoles.Fiz tambem eco e apareceu PVM

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