my awakening consciousness

Bored, lonely, restless….

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:33 pm on Saturday, December 12, 2015

I hate this shit…I feel a million different ways and yet nothing fully formed….I miss human contact, male human contact. Then I feel like a horrible despicable excuse for a human being because I still love Mark and miss him so much it hurts, I want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be alright and I know now how infantile and storybook fairy tale that is…..I don’t think that exists anymore, if it ever did. I hate my weakness and usually try to armor myself for the daily fight, the battle of life in this jungle. Even on a sunny day it feels so cold and empty as though God has left us…I know that’s a terrible thing to say about my Creator whom I KNOW loves me.

There have been two significant men in my world since Mark died and left this fallen earth a little farther from grace by his absence. Neither knows it but I’ve felt like both are so much my soul mates, like they already know me better than I do, and I “love” them from a distance I think, and I know how totally batshit fucking crazy that sounds! Anyway, one is married and one is in a relationship. To me that means off limits.

What is happening to me?

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