my awakening consciousness

It’s Christmas Day

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:41 pm on Friday, December 25, 2015

It’s been a weirdly wonderful different Christmas day. Just me and my beloved best friend, and of course (canine) family member Missy. Here’s my pretty girl poodle’s picture…she is a rescue and has known much suffering, but never again…I hope all homeless animals will find the forever home they deserve!

red is her color!

Red is Her Color!

I’ve much to be grateful for this day, especially God and His infinite love for us all.

Merry Christmas, fellow humans who happen to be alive on earth at this same point in time, and chosen to be “different” (I wouldn’t change that about myself for all the tea in China)

Talk to y’all next year…..

Blessed, But Struggling

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 2:53 pm on Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I started this post to be titled “This Day Sucks” but I’m tired of my usual reflexive and childish (infantile, really) ranting about how everything and everyone sucks just because things and people don’t do exactly what I want! Trying to grow up here, and about time since I just turned fifty five years old. That’s over half a century. Some of us are slow learners.

Here are all of my blessings – first of all, I woke up. Underneath my own roof. With food in the refrigerator. And my beloved poodle Missy, old and diabetic but ready and raring to go and SO happy to see me! I’m on massive doses of antidepressants and yet every day struggle to force myself to get out of bed and eventually do only because of Missy…..this is slow death. You can’t just lie down and give up. I can walk, I can talk, see, hear, write, drive – well not now because my ancient clunker of a car has a dead battery – and I don’t know if I can afford to buy a new one or if it’s even worth the money since I can’t afford insurance. It’s been cancelled and it’s not legal to drive without it and I do not want to be a person who breaks the law, in addition to being unemployed and living on disability. I feel like I’m taking up space and resources I don’t deserve and always have… didn’t take good enough care of my husband and that’s why he got sick and died. I feel guilty for existing. No purpose. God must think so or I wouldn’t still be here, right? Sometimes I think that all the people who learned the lessons they were supposed to got called back to God but the rest of us have to stay here till we do learn and fulfill….but it’s a curse because this world is like hell for us. I’m so confused, lonely. I have family who loves me but they can’t do everything for me …I have to figure this out!

How did I get so afraid of everything all the time and so easily overwhelmed by what others would consider minor problems? The last thing I ever wanted to be is a sick, crazy, dependent, useless person. I will not commit suicide because I’m NOT giving up.

Bored, lonely, restless….

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:33 pm on Saturday, December 12, 2015

I hate this shit…I feel a million different ways and yet nothing fully formed….I miss human contact, male human contact. Then I feel like a horrible despicable excuse for a human being because I still love Mark and miss him so much it hurts, I want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be alright and I know now how infantile and storybook fairy tale that is…..I don’t think that exists anymore, if it ever did. I hate my weakness and usually try to armor myself for the daily fight, the battle of life in this jungle. Even on a sunny day it feels so cold and empty as though God has left us…I know that’s a terrible thing to say about my Creator whom I KNOW loves me.

There have been two significant men in my world since Mark died and left this fallen earth a little farther from grace by his absence. Neither knows it but I’ve felt like both are so much my soul mates, like they already know me better than I do, and I “love” them from a distance I think, and I know how totally batshit fucking crazy that sounds! Anyway, one is married and one is in a relationship. To me that means off limits.

What is happening to me?

Holiday Cheer and Some Ranting

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 1:41 am on Saturday, December 12, 2015

Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago and it was a really nice one till Dad and Lea started to get a little drunk and do their little drunk obnoxious stuff…it’s the old familiar (and yet now curiously pallid and tedious) dance of cruelty from my childhood…..but just a teensy bit of it; and considering that my sister DID cook a feast like you would not believe…..what the hell am I whining about?

There used to be a time when I’d focus on stuff like that and totally forget the rest of the six hours we spent together. I’m just tired of doing that; I have a family who loves me and would do anything to help me in times of trouble and we’re all very different types of people.  So, like probably every other family in the universe, put us all in a room for too long and we’re gonna have problems, it’s human nature!

I used to take that kind of stuff personally and am glad to have moved past it, you know, for the most part…..

Reminds me of when I met Mark, I’d never been in a long lasting healthy relationship. I thought you were never supposed to fight, nor have the desire spend one minute apart from each other. Wow. How living in the land of make-believe is that?!

Near the beginning of our relationship the two of us went through a spell of about a year (maybe it only seemed that long) when we lived and worked together, even driving to work in the same car….we grew to despise each other, I’m not kidding. You just can’t spend every minute with another person, at least I can’t. You have to have room to be the individual that you are.

So I requested a transfer to a different department, where we never saw each other during the day and we began doing some separate things on weekends and our love endured.

I guess I’m trying to make some kind of point here instead of just pouring out a bunch of stuff from my old drug-addled brain….I guess I’m just trying lately to concentrate on what we as humans share instead of continuously and pettily focusing on our differences, specifically how fucked up everyone else is!!


So happy holidays all you fellow dysfunctional, immensely loving families and all you wonderful, awesome, bone-headed fellow humans out there….let the love prevail despite the fact we’re all flawed.