impressions

my awakening consciousness

Riveting Stuff

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 3:17 pm on Thursday, November 5, 2015

I trained myself to be a “morning person” for a while because that’s more in sync with the working, functioning world. Or, “the land of the living” as Mark used to refer to it early on in my sobriety, welcoming me into it. So it’s morning for me now and it takes me forever to get going – if I get going at all – and usually I put this daily writing off till much later in the day. And as you can see, I don’t even do it every day as I so solemnly promised myself for the millionth time. Maybe it’s my mode of lackadaisical “discipline” or the fact that you cannot plan your life in neat little chunks of time because life defies such robotic weirdness….I have a feeling it’s some of both. Rigid schedules – and frankly, the super-rigidy people who need them – make me feel suffocated, caged, and just pissed off in general.

You know what? Maybe I’ll just write as often possible even when I’ve seriously got nothin’, aim for every day but if it doesn’t turn out exactly that way, so be it, and it doesn’t necessarily me so evil and wicked as to be beyond redemption!

Later that day…………

Here’s the redo on today’s daily writing for my “impressions” blog – started it this morning on my desktop but haven’t taught myself how to do the shared folder thing….but hey, I DID set up the network! I think. No I did because it’s on the pop-up list. And I know the steps necessary to set up the server and shared folder, etc. so I can stop emailing myself everything as an attachment. But am so spacy and scattered lately. For exmple, right now I’m pretty much writing how I’m thinking….here’s another weird thing  – am using this device only because it’s Wednesday which means the guys who do the mowing and other landscaping work (endless #$!&^! leaf blowers)  are right outside and my desktop is right  next to the big window and I love and need sunlight so refuse to close the blinds and I know they’re out there and so can’t concentrate because I feel “watched” or something, and strangely anxious. But put headphones on to drown out the noise however now am anxious when I can’t hear what’s going on around me…….as if sombody’s going to sneak up and burst into my apartment or something…how messed up is that?! OK well I’m done trying to analyze this shit all the time and just try to focus on writing.
Been attempting to write up one of the wonderful and imaginative prompts on reddit….for like four days! In spare time which I somehow don’t have despite being jobless. It took forever to even select two kinda easy prompts. I have one paragraph of one of them done, meanwhile there’s been like a thousand new prompts added and I feel old, senile, stupid as hell. I can’t give up; writing is my passion and always has been. It’s just not a steady source of income and it takes a certain courage (or trust fund) to live that way. I’ve been forced to live that way for some years now and am still just not built for it, despite the resulting growth and learning about survival in this jungle, ways to find more inner peace and the fact that goodness exists in more abundance than I’d felt for eons.

 

 

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