my awakening consciousness

The Best Start

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 2:33 pm on Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Sometimes I think the only reason I get out of bed these days is my dog Missy. Today started out with the usual blah feeling, joint pain and then the smile and joy at seeing her in her little bed next to mine, waiting patiently or just waking up at the sound of me stirring….

So we’re on our “morning” walk (sometimes it’s eleven- o- clock) I ran into one of my neighbors, whom I rarely see. This is a woman whose shining soul radiates…she reminds me of Mark in that way.

Now (sort of for practice, but also is fitting here) I’m going to post a pic of a beautiful painting by Henri Matisse, one of my favorite artists. Because Virginia (the aforementioned neighbor) brings to mind the light and the purely beautiful colors.

Landscape by the Sea 1905_1448386611971


Thank you Virginia, for reminding me that there is love, humanity and compassion in the world and you care about me, most of all that God has not left us as I think in moments of my deepest despair.

Know too that you are loved and that the good energy you emanate outward into the universe touches many lives.



Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:55 pm on Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The world feels so empty, it’s missing something that used to be there a long time ago….when did it go away? Is it because people became so disconnected? Some days, it feels like there isn’t any humanity, only robots working, buying and ignoring all but their devices. There are only transactions. It’s so cold. Does anyone else feel this? Does anyone else feel we’re reaching some kind of ending, but hopefully a beginning too?

Just a Day

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 5:31 pm on Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Recently I turned fifty five years old. I’m completely starting over in an unfamiliar world after having been kind of a (self-imposed) hermit for the last 25 years or so. But then my husband became very ill and died in just a few months.

It’s terrifying most of the time, but occasionally liberating.

Am trying to write every day because it’s my only potential skill, and I love doing it, especially when I’m in the “zone” – ideas and words flowing wonderfully, effortlessly…..but the zone eludes me these days.

Feel lonely and yet afraid to connect but know it’s a human need, an absolute requirement to be connected with other humans, with life.

I have a great idea for a novel but feel guilty working on it because I have to find a way for my writing to become a more immediate stream of income. I want to stop being a burden on others and feeling so useless and worthless in the world.

Riveting Stuff

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 3:17 pm on Thursday, November 5, 2015

I trained myself to be a “morning person” for a while because that’s more in sync with the working, functioning world. Or, “the land of the living” as Mark used to refer to it early on in my sobriety, welcoming me into it. So it’s morning for me now and it takes me forever to get going – if I get going at all – and usually I put this daily writing off till much later in the day. And as you can see, I don’t even do it every day as I so solemnly promised myself for the millionth time. Maybe it’s my mode of lackadaisical “discipline” or the fact that you cannot plan your life in neat little chunks of time because life defies such robotic weirdness….I have a feeling it’s some of both. Rigid schedules – and frankly, the super-rigidy people who need them – make me feel suffocated, caged, and just pissed off in general.

You know what? Maybe I’ll just write as often possible even when I’ve seriously got nothin’, aim for every day but if it doesn’t turn out exactly that way, so be it, and it doesn’t necessarily me so evil and wicked as to be beyond redemption!

Later that day…………

Here’s the redo on today’s daily writing for my “impressions” blog – started it this morning on my desktop but haven’t taught myself how to do the shared folder thing….but hey, I DID set up the network! I think. No I did because it’s on the pop-up list. And I know the steps necessary to set up the server and shared folder, etc. so I can stop emailing myself everything as an attachment. But am so spacy and scattered lately. For exmple, right now I’m pretty much writing how I’m thinking….here’s another weird thing  – am using this device only because it’s Wednesday which means the guys who do the mowing and other landscaping work (endless #$!&^! leaf blowers)  are right outside and my desktop is right  next to the big window and I love and need sunlight so refuse to close the blinds and I know they’re out there and so can’t concentrate because I feel “watched” or something, and strangely anxious. But put headphones on to drown out the noise however now am anxious when I can’t hear what’s going on around me…….as if sombody’s going to sneak up and burst into my apartment or something…how messed up is that?! OK well I’m done trying to analyze this shit all the time and just try to focus on writing.
Been attempting to write up one of the wonderful and imaginative prompts on reddit….for like four days! In spare time which I somehow don’t have despite being jobless. It took forever to even select two kinda easy prompts. I have one paragraph of one of them done, meanwhile there’s been like a thousand new prompts added and I feel old, senile, stupid as hell. I can’t give up; writing is my passion and always has been. It’s just not a steady source of income and it takes a certain courage (or trust fund) to live that way. I’ve been forced to live that way for some years now and am still just not built for it, despite the resulting growth and learning about survival in this jungle, ways to find more inner peace and the fact that goodness exists in more abundance than I’d felt for eons.