my awakening consciousness

Daily Chore Spun into Orbit

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:33 pm on Thursday, October 29, 2015

Here we go with today’s required writing, since this is now my chosen path……I don’t usually do this because the blank screen automatically gives me writer’s block.
Don’t feel as happy and well as yesterday but am getting there…..just took my Xanax. Yes, I’m aware of all ten million things wrong with that sentence!

Addiction is bad but so is constant, crippling anxiety. Now I can let the thoughts flow…..hell, I can even have thoughts!

I’ve been through too much in the past few years and now just found out I have a potentially deadly and hard to treat disease. The fact is, it’s self-inflicted; hepatitis C but a weird, uncommon strain that WILL turn your liver first to fat, then rubber (cirrhosis) then to cancer. They don’t really know how to treat it and don’t have great results from what’s been tried so far.

Like I said to my good friend Bob, I guess I’d subconsciously presumed sobriety and years of taking such respectful care of the gift of good health God had bestowed upon me (and I’d in return so ungratefully abused) would somehow both redeem and make me “bulletproof.” I only understood the foolishness of this expectation after saying it aloud and seeing the written words.

I felt really sad about it for awhile and discussed it with my family members, in detail, at length, vociferously and loquaciously. Wretchedly and dramatically. It’s a thing I have; they’re accustomed to it. Am working on that.

Anyway, then because absolutely everything happens for a reason, I came across a blog post by a woman with the exact same thing, talking about not making it your whole life and actively being grateful for all the blessings you do have in your life and it just so clicked; I’ve got many of them; my family members, who listen, love, are always there in times of trouble as well as times of happiness, understanding and helping. Not judging in a way that makes me aware of the mental and spiritual energy given towards understanding someone they love. We grew up within that time/place microcosm where mental illness was much more stigmatized, and ridiculed than nowadays , and mostly spoken of in mortified whispers, as if discussing venereal disease or hemorrhoids. And even more so in our particular family, I think.

I want to re-direct and make my life about so much more than a virus I contracted decades ago, in a time of turmoil and self-destruction, as a result of ignoring what I knew, because I didn’t care.

I’m dipping my toes into a place of acceptance now, liking the temperature….afraid and knowing this is right at the same time. To just let go of feeling wronged. We all do things we regret and we all get sick and die, one way or another. I was lucky enough not only to survive that era against all odds, but to have had an angel by the name of Mark Joseph placed in my path with so much love……he brought me out of darkness and into light. I knew what real laughter and real love was like for the first time at the age of thirty, because of Mark. I no longer needed or wanted the anesthesia and just wanted to live, and grow old with Mark. The purity and depth of his tremendous heart and soul saved me, then showered me with gifts each and every day… very worst day sober was indescribably better than my best day drinking and using.

He taught me many things – mostly by example – among them that you can be angry with, argue, scream, fight, and even briefly despise the one you love most in the world, and the love has not gone away. It can still be there, stronger than ever. This was maybe the most alien and mind-blowing realization of my life.

I think he’ll always be interwoven in my writings, either the actual content or the driving influence, because everything good about my life is now and always will be somehow attributable to him.

And the thought of his quietly heroic life, having ended in 2013 at the age of 57, being unnoticed as if not mattering would kill my soul. Maybe it’s my purpose in life to document it, in cyberspace, where it’ll be until the end of all of our time. It’s not the story of a saint, as I’m leaning toward describing him now in grief – he was a flawed human being like everyone else.

I’ve pretty much always felt I had no purpose, except for the 23 years spent with Mark. I know God loves me….I’d forgotten it for awhile…

Maybe this is His gentle way of reminding me of the fleeting time on earth, that my time might not be as long as I delude myself into believing, and that Mark Joseph should be written into the lineage, a beautiful and important thread in the tapestry of humanity, as is every single other soul on this earth, including the mentally ill, the homeless, the imprisoned and the addicted. Every life matters.

Mark Joseph Kursay was here for fifty seven years ….all the simple kindness he put out into the world will travel across great distances of time and space, felt by people far away in the future.  He humbly left an imprint of grace. He mattered.


First Good Day; Thank You, Scientists.

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 1:03 pm on Wednesday, October 28, 2015

For what seems like the first time in years, I woke up this morning feeling like life IS worth living. It’s been such a frustratingly slow (and sometimes horrific) process trying to find the right combination of meds to regulate my bipolar disorder. I could talk forever about me, myself and the epic medication saga, but don’t want this blog to morph into a gigantic snooze-fest so….suffice it to say the twitching, face-bloating, marathon sleeping, sleepless heart-slamming jumpiness, teeth-grinding, drooling, eating tons of the weirdest junkiest food ever, torture of the “trial-and-error” phase is over, baby! Finally hit upon the right mix and God I love Prozac and Xanax…………..they have helped me feel and behave “normal” (whatever the hell that is) without feeling like a drugged out empty shell of a blob. They’ve given me my life back. So I’m done spewing about the evil of Big Pharma because how ungrateful is that? For the longest time I suffered unnecessarily while simultaneously pontificating about the evils of chemicals in your body that aren’t supposed to be there, blah, blah, blah…..I’m done focusing only on the negative. Sometimes brain chemicals just have to be “artificially” re-balanced for you to have even the ability to perceive the positive. Not to say that giant powerful entities can’t become incredibly corrupt, but to the smart, devoted scientists who use their skills for sake of relieving the suffering of others…..thank you.