impressions

my awakening consciousness

furiosity

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 9:52 pm on Wednesday, May 14, 2008

is this even a word? if not, it should be. it perfectly sums up my usual mood, lo these many months. far back in the most remote reaches of my mind Curiosity loiters, too: just how long can a person be so pissed off? i say ‘loiters’ because it’s an idle, detached sort of curiosity. i mean, whenever it runs it’s course is when i’ll be done with it. i try not to wallow in the fury or even embrace it, but i will NOT stuff it or deny it. ever. never again. after stuffing anger for forty odd years, i think it’s not only adds up to an enormous amount, but possibly it kind of…mutates. starts to get malignant, even. malignant cells grow wildly fast and out of control, so i just want to get it all out, all the malignancy or potential malignancy. if others don’t, won’t or can’t understand this furiosity of mine, it doesn’t change the fact that, in allowing myself to feel the way i feel without pretending it just isn’t so, i am fighting for my life. i want it back. as long as i am in no way violating the rights of others to live just as freely and safely, i’m going to do whatever it is i need to do. just because it isn’t pretty, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s evil and wicked!

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