my awakening consciousness

this and that

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 8:21 pm on Wednesday, April 23, 2008

i think i’ve become indifferent to terrifying situations. it’s like i lived so many months in a state of constant sustained terror, panic and grinding anxiety that numbness finally set in, and it’s still here. i don’t worry about stuff i can’t control like the serenity prayer says, but the problem is i can’t control anything and i don’t know what i’m worried about….it feels like the world is about to end anyway so it doesn’t really matter if i’m homeless next month or next year. and then the next minute i feel life is too harsh and cruel to take because my vacuum cleaner broke, WE are broke and we have two cats and the disgusting carpet filth and massive accumulation of cat hair is going to kill us. my hubby recently escaped cancer just to be destroyed by a giant mutant hairball. yeah, that sounds about right.

seems like a lifetime ago

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:00 pm on Wednesday, April 9, 2008

i can’t believe it’s been five weeks since my last post….only five. five loooooong, eternal weeks. time is so weird the way it stretches and implodes seemingly at once. with all the stuff happening and not happening in my life, i feel absolutely paralyzed. as if it doesn’t matter what i do or don’t do, as if i have no choice but to sit and wait for stuff to happen, let other people’s schedules and whims and whatnot determine my fate. i just feel very detached, not connected with humanity in any way. some of that’s by choice; i’ve been copping quite an attitude against humanity lately. certain life experiences have made this inevitable i guess, but it doesn’t always have to be this way now that i understand where it comes from. that’s all for today. kind of a blah post, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.; if i’m going to write every day, or at least more often, i’ve got to accept that things are going to be mundane at times. or ugly. or boring. or scary. or just plain ordinary. that’s me; that’s life.