my awakening consciousness

message in a cage

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 7:46 pm on Monday, February 25, 2008

long, long tiring day today, full of facing up to a lot of hard things. with hubby sick/in recovery these past few weeks i had a purpose outside myself but also an excuse to avoid my own issues and procrastinate about doing the unpleasant. (and the terrifying!) my day began at 4:00 AM with hubby’s first day back at work on “light duty”. he still needs help with bandages, wound care, and even getting dressed as he still pretty much only has one functional arm and hand. he’s getting better though despite the not-so-perfect diet and the considerable stress. i am so grateful that they got all of the cancer and that he will get better instead of suffering any more. and i won’t have to face a life without him; i’m not sure it would be worth living. hubby, my home (wherever it may be), my two sweet kitty cats: these are my world. i stopped taking meds because i can’t afford them anymore. it’s not too bad. mild withdrawal physically. been kinda all over the map emotionally but what else is new? just a little more so since i stopped three days ago, but then again i’ve got my period so who the hell knows what’s causing what….anyway i just really NEEDED to write today. most importantly, i needed to get a message off my chest and even though anyone reading it will not know it’s true meaning, the thought that another set of eyes might see it somehow gives me hope and fulfills some need i cannot identify (?!). i know it makes no sense and sounds completely insane but i’m doing it anyway, so here goes.

to dadula: the government is one giant, festering, useless pustule; it sucks. ORGANIZED religion blows! i own five cell phones, am changing my last name, and getting a tattoo. i am permitted to have any facial expression or opinion that i want and if it conflicts with your’s, that’s the best indication of it’s goodness and rightness and in any case i AM entitled to it! don’t ever utter the word “spirituality” in my presence again, much less try to preach to me about it. that good word mutates somehow when being spewed from one with no soul, rendering it obscene. that’s right, all those four-letter words are things of pure, near mystical beauty compared to that one other word being excreted from you.

you will never ever be able to feed on my illness again, you arrogant, idiotic, hypocritical, inhuman, life-sucking piece of !@#?*&^%!?$%#!!!!!!

goodbye, dadula. enjoy hell. unless this IS hell. which is probably the most sane assumption i’ve ever made.

now that i’ve excreted some stuff, readers, i feel much better. until next post, toodles!

just a bunch of stuff

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 8:15 pm on Thursday, February 7, 2008

well i finally scraped enough together to get my lexapro online. it seems to be the only thing that works for me. a commercial enterprise halfway around the planet is more reliable in getting me the psychiatric meds i need to stay alive than all our government agencies combined. (nothing plus nothing does come to nothing!) what a bunch of useless pustules. no one wants to help, everyone wants to judge. hubby had surgery friday and thank god, came through this one alright. he needs total care and i’m fighting to keep it together from one minute to the next. i want to be strong for him now. i have to be. yet i feel scared, sad and alone. thank god for our one good friend, who is helping us with the transportation to and from the hospital without making us feel like sorry excuses for human beings just because we need help; it’s actual help, not the venomous, self-righteous crap some people offer just to ease their own conscience. tomorrow we spend four hours on buses to get to the follow-up visit and get lab results. please let it be good news. friday is another surgery. we’re both scared. i’m exhausted, feel like i have failed everyone and oddly, like everyone has failed me. i don’t even understand my own feelings these days.