my awakening consciousness

all about the mad love

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:55 pm on Sunday, January 13, 2008

no big newsflashes here; i’m still ALL about the mad! i wake up in the morning furious and go to bed at best…disgruntled. my hubby is all about the understanding although it’s (understandably) at somewhat of a distance. what am i so angry about? life, fate, myself, god, all humans, and every detail of every day. yeah, that’s real normal……i mean, how much of this can be blamed on the wellbutrin and/or the sleep deprivation? or maybe it’s because soon i’ll be without meds entirely and we’re going to die without health insurance. little things like that. i could get a job…oh no wait a minute. i have a mental illness which means “good luck with that!” of course, being the unemployed dirtbag that i am also means i am not entitled to whine. or be sick. or eat. or have access to any health care. or have a home. or be angry about any of the above. i SHOULD be grateful just to still be breathing right? the only thing i am truly grateful for is the love of my husband, the blessing of him, the miracle of him. he loves me even though i am mad. he is the first and only person in my life who ever allowed me that right. i love him madly (pun intended). the only other person i’ve ever loved besides him is my mother. everyone else i just thought i did. but they were just all about the lie; and that’s exactly what CONDITIONAL love is.

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