my awakening consciousness

scary mommy

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 2:29 pm on Saturday, January 5, 2008

a good overall description of me these days is a very angry hyper-zombie. my husband calls me “scary lily”. he’s just kidding. sort of. i don’t want to be this person; filled with bitter anger and hatred. it’s so enormous sometimes and i’m repelled by the ugliness of it, of me when i’m consumed with it. even the animals (well, my cats anyway!) sense it and behave differently. i don’t like being “scary mommy” to them. yes all you very important ones out there, i do realize they are not my children and that cats are actually quite different than people; in spoken conversation it seems someone always feels obligated to point this out, as if a person’s appreciation of animals as sentient creatures is indicative of extensive brain damage. yes that’s right i said it: animals matter too. and to those who don’t think so, i think perhaps you might consider a cat scan – no pun intended – though i suspect there’s no imaging technology available capable of detecting that kind of problem. but please, rule stuff out! my guess is you need a priest to get rid of it.
if you’re offended by this the only consolation i can offer is: i’m pissed off at everyone else too and this is MY blog.
today i am wallowing in my bitter stew of resentment and hostility and spewing it all over the place. this is to be expected occasionally after nearly fifty years of enforced “niceness”. and an equal amount of time of being told all my feelings and opinions are of no consequence, and furthermore, WRONG. i guess i’m most angry at myself for believing, up until a year or so ago someone stupid and amoral enough to tell a child this. how stupid must i be to believe such a life-form? fixing this mess is going to take a long time. i hope i can.

so i’m still here, still dysfunctional and all over the map emotionally and physically, taking wellbutrin only now. don’t much like it except for the fact that it doesn’t make me want to eat constantly, for which i am truly grateful, but i can’t sleep. if anyone ever reads this blog (kind of an unrealistic expectation given that no one has any way of knowing about it, other than the blurb on the blog index) any ideas on help with sleep that do not involve head injury or ingestion of drugs that are addictive and/or will make you sleepy or foggy 24/7 would be so very appreciated!!!

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