my awakening consciousness


Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 9:43 pm on Friday, December 14, 2007

ok, i knew this every day thing was never going to work. i’m just not that organized or sane, especially now with half a dozen major crises going on in my life. i’m working through all this with no money, no job, and no doctor, with my brain chemicals being all mixed up like a friggin serotonin-dopamine frappe! a synaptic smoothie with norepinephrine sprinkles. i could go on with the psycho stuff here but i’ll spare you; i think you get the picture. started off last week feeling good. one day it lasted. then two days of horrific crazyland followed by the news that my husband has cancer. since then i’ve no time to analyze how the meds are making me feel because well…i just don’t care! i’d tell my family but they’d forbid me to be sad, the robots! i always feel like i have to be cheerful for everyone, like i’m letting them down, no, committing some atrocious sin if i’m less than cheery. i suspect they’re going to be facing some disappointment sometime soon. oh well. that falls into the category of “THEIR PROBLEM”
i actually feel much better now. oh, and i’ll be writing again….whenever i feel like it.

….and now we’re back

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 6:12 pm on Thursday, December 6, 2007

i was expecting tuesday to be around the same as monday but oh my god, it was back to clutching my head and being struck by sudden random waves of nausea. all i wanted to do was sleep which i hate during the day because it feels like the nightmare days of junkie-hood when i spent all my days in a semi-conscious stupor. i remember how good it felt after about a year of being clean (first year was mostly sickness, withdrawals and cravings) to be awake in the day, in the light, amongst the living.

monday was a ray of hope though, a promise of things to come. i’ll cling to that.

monday – best day yet!

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 5:50 pm on Wednesday, December 5, 2007

monday (as i’m writing this, it’s wednesday) was the closest i’ve felt to “normal” in a long time and closest i’ve felt to human since i took my last dose of elavil. only a very slight headache, surprising amount of energy, normal appetite, no nausea and best of all, the depression fog most definitely lifting! i cleaned the whole apartment; a superhuman feat by itself. i live in a tiny apartment with two cats and a hubby who is working all the time and i’ve been severely depressed for about a year and a half. not to mention the fact we live near a busy street so five minutes after you dust, it looks like you’ve never ever dusted. we live in a warm humid climate so the cats shed more and you practically have to take out a loan to do a load of laundry in this place so…need i say more? i wash my underwear and t-shirts in a bucket in the shower! (it’s florida, i live in thin 100% cotton) monday was a little step into the light again, the apartment all squeaky clean and smelling of fresh lemons and me tired at the end of the day from natural stuff like work and fresh air and not from side effects or long periods of sustained terror! maybe, just maybe there is hope for something other than drudgery and pain for the rest of my life. i just need to break out of this isolation. a lot of days, i’m afraid to make simple phone calls. i’m just going to be thankful for the good stuff for now though.


Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 7:45 pm on Monday, December 3, 2007

got some sleep last night maybe 2-3 consecutive hours…more than i’ve had since the start of this little excursion into the land of pharmaceutical mind mending. yoda was feeling a little under the weather and he always gets a little clingy then, so he jumps up on the bed at 2 or 3 in the morning, settles in all comfy right next to my head and screams till i awaken. it’s hard to stay mad at the frail little guy though, he’s really getting old and all he wants is some soothing and stroking and soft words and he’s so happy.. a few hours later i drag my expanding leaden body out of the bed. i’ve eaten more in the last week than i did in the previous 2 years combined and i feel huge and bloated and – after yesterdays enraged spaz attack – also feel like a dozen gigantic steroid crazed angry gang members beat the crap out of me last night. other than these minor complaints , sunday goes uneventfully. i take a whopping dose of ibuprofen with coffee and PLENTY of food in the morning and the pain subsides into a screaming, blinding kinda thing…at night it returns and i’m so worn down from it, i sleep! day 4 is passed.

day 3 – emotional botox

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 4:30 pm on Sunday, December 2, 2007

don’t know if it’s the meds, or lack of sleep, or shock induced by mental and physical anguish but i feel NOTHING. i think i could watch my own hair catch fire and actually be bored. ok, occasionally i experience 10 seconds or so of extreme rage at a piece of carpet fuzz on the kitchen table or a difficult-to-open jar or something equally important. this is definitely not cool, man. i feel like those heavily botoxed idiots look! to make the day complete, in one of these micro-fits of mad I leaned over to pick something up off the floor (i live with 3 males, 2 feline, 1 human – i’m ALWAYS picking stuff up off the !#$% floor) and straighten up too fast because i always get real fast when mad and slam my upper back into the sharp overhanging corner of a piece of furniture. it knocks the breath right out of me and leaves a big gash by my shoulder blade and lots of black and blue. i feel the nerve pain all the way up my neck and halfway down my arm. so, that about sums up my day. you will pardon me if i’m not a little ray of sparkly, merry sunshine?!