my awakening consciousness

day 2: blurbs from hell

Filed under: daylilies — waterlily at 9:11 pm on Friday, November 30, 2007

i’m unhappy to report my second day of journey to better (or any) mental health…NOT good! screeching headache, paranoia and panic. would have been totally alone except my two cats yoda and butterscotch. they’re both male and feline. after that they don’t even seem to come from the same planet. yoda, 16, is tiny, spindly and will kick your ass for any or no reason; he’s cranky, demented and incredibly sweet. butterscotch, 7 is enormous, tiger striped the colors of cream and sand and wheat and will always be my little boy who showed up on my doorstep, scared and wanting to be held. he still does. he yaks constantly – more vocal even than a siamese – he’s dennis the menace and an angel incapable of harming anything or anyone. but i digress..

because i’ve been hearing soft wordless choir music nonstop that isn’t there and sometimes voices outside my door that i’m not sure are there and the rent is late and i think a check bounced and i think i’ve let everyone down. i’m so afraid of life and i’ve just realized my childhood abuse after a traumatic event a few months ago. and i’m pushing fifty freaking years old! i used to have everything – or so i thought – what happened? why do i feel so abandoned and unloved and deprived when i am loved? and why am i hurting the ones who love me most? today is hell; please god, let it be only a detour, a brief one.


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